Growing up in Brazil in poverty, unknowingly on the autism spectrum and visibly expressing gender fluidity was already quite a traumatic challenge. I was an outcast in school and suffered all kinds of bullying for my "weirdness." However, at 12 years of age, I found a community where that weirdness was viewed as a beautiful uniqueness. They not only accepted and embraced me as I was, but they also recognized and constantly spoke about my untapped potential, describing me as a "diamond in the rough."
That community was the dance community, specifically ballet. After joining them, my life transformed, and I no longer felt like a worthless piece of garbage undeserving of love and respect. I finally started seeing myself as a human being with purpose and a reason to keep living.
Through my dance studies, I received countless awards and scholarships to prestigious international institutions. One of these was to attend the Goh Ballet Canada in Vancouver, BC, Canada, where I was also invited to join the Goh Ballet Youth Company, a place I still consider my home.
Sadly, at that point in my life, at 22 years of age, something was rapidly changing within me. I was experiencing strong and debilitating symptoms of bipolar depression, which at the time, and for a long time afterward, was neither known to me nor noticed by those around me. Among the symptoms, the most prominent were extreme fatigue and low energy, always accompanied by severe sleep disturbances. In my case, this caused me to sleep excessively while remaining in a perpetual state of exhaustion and lack of motivation. These symptoms, combined with physically demanding ballet training, caused me to miss classes and rehearsals.
Initially, my absences were infrequent, seemingly justified by the rigorous training. I managed to maintain my technical and artistic levels and could still perform. Although my classmates and some teachers were already showing signs of dissatisfaction with my sporadic attendance, I consistently received compassion, support, understanding, kindness, and trust from the Director (Chan Hon Goh, C.M., D.Litt.), who continued to choose me for lead roles in productions, much to my peers' dismay.
My poor attendance steadily increased to an alarming level due to the severity of my symptoms, heavily influencing the deterioration of my mental and physical health. I gained a reputation for being extremely lazy and only able to perform lead roles due to my natural physical abilities—something I would constantly hear from my peers. I always pretended not to care and frequently joked about it in a desperate attempt to diminish the painful reality that I was, in fact, deeply hurt. With each comment, that wound grew deeper.
In addition to the extreme fatigue, low energy, and sleep disturbances, I experienced deep and persistent feelings of sadness, emptiness, and hopelessness. I couldn't understand why something I loved so much and that used to bring me such joy now only caused me grief. I was deeply embarrassed and felt unworthy of being there, undeserving of the support I had always received from so many people I loved dearly. I was trapped in an endless cycle of guilt and worthlessness, overwhelmingly blaming myself for squandering my chance at a successful career as a professional ballet dancer. My daily life was completely impacted by these symptoms, and I was barely functional, constantly haunted by thoughts of suicide.
I inevitably reached a point where I couldn't continue anymore, and with my heart shattered into more pieces than there are stars in the sky, I had to accept reality, stop dancing, and try to recover somehow.
The end of my dance career led me to seek "conventional employment," and although it paid the bills for years afterward, my life only became harder and more painful. My depression reached unprecedented levels, leading to multiple suicide attempts. I went from job to job in a hopeless search to find something that would allow me to feel happy and fulfilled again, but that seemed impossible.
Then I was offered the opportunity to teach ballet classes to children, and suddenly, being back in such a familiar environment, I found a glimmer of hope. I began teaching more frequently, accepting invitations to teach at summer courses, coach private students for local competitions, and even perform small acting roles in local school productions.
Around this time, I was also unexpectedly offered a position with the Canadian Red Cross as a Medical Equipment Advanced Technician, serving the community in ways I never imagined. Now I am not only active again in dance — which brings me immense joy as I support young dancers in developing their technique and artistry as a teacher, choreographer, and producer— but I am also able to share the stage with them and enjoy performing again!
The combination of my work with the Red Cross and my return to dance has led to extraordinary opportunities to make a meaningful impact. In December 2022, I had the honour of producing, choreographing, and performing in a grand production of "The Nutcracker" in Morelia, México. The production featured over 200 performers, including Mayuko Nihei and Argenis Montalvo, Principal Dancers of the National Ballet of Mexico, accompanied by the Symphonic Orchestra of the State of Michoacán, conducted by Maestro Juan Tucan, one of Mexico's most prominent conductors. This production, which played to full houses at the historic Theatre Morelos, enabled us to contribute MXN$50,000.00 to the Mexican Red Cross (Cruz Roja Mexicana I.A.P.) through ticket proceeds.
More recently, I co-produced and performed in "La Fille Mal Gardée" alongside En Avant Ballet School, featuring over 100 performers and Norman Barrios, Principal Dancer of the National Ballet of Guatemala. This production not only brought joy to our audience but also enabled us to donate MX$20,000.00 to the Mexican Red Cross.
These experiences have shown me that when we combine our passions with purpose, the impact we can make is boundless. Through dance, I've found a way to not only reclaim my joy but to contribute to a cause greater than myself. My work with the Red Cross, both in Canada and through these artistic ventures in Mexico, has brought me a sense of fulfillment that transcends my personal struggles and reminds me daily of the healing power of service to others.
Final Thoughts
Life has a way of bringing us to our knees, making us feel broken beyond repair and alone in our suffering. When we're caught in the depths of our pain, it's easy to become resentful of the world's seeming unfairness, to feel like victims of circumstances beyond our control. I've been there—in that dark place where every day feels like an insurmountable challenge, where hope seems like a distant memory rather than a possibility.
But here's what I've learned through my journey: our greatest pain often carries within it the seeds of our most meaningful purpose. When we're able to look beyond our suffering, to reach deep within ourselves and connect with what truly brings us joy, peace, and fulfillment, we discover something remarkable. We find that these very things—our passions, our talents, our unique perspectives shaped by our struggles—are actually gifts that can bring light to others who are suffering.
The truth is, while we're absorbed in our own pain, countless others are facing challenges that make our struggles pale in comparison. This isn't to diminish anyone's personal battles—every person's pain is valid and real. Rather, it's to remind us that we have the power to make a profound difference in others' lives, even (and especially) while we're still healing ourselves.
When we redirect our focus from our own suffering to serving others, something magical happens. The very act of helping others, of channeling our passions and abilities into service, creates a kind of healing that transcends our expectations. It's as if by reaching out to lift others, we ourselves are lifted higher than we could have imagined.
I urge you to take a moment to look inward. What brings you joy? What makes you lose track of time? What unique experiences and abilities do you possess? Now imagine channeling those gifts into service. It doesn't have to be grandiose—small acts of service, offered consistently with love and intention, can create ripples of positive change that extend far beyond our vision.
Remember, our wounds, when transformed through service, become sources of wisdom and empathy that can help heal others. This is how we find not just purpose, but a fulfillment so deep it heals and nurtures our soul in ways we never thought possible. This is how we transform our pain into purpose, our struggles into strength, and our experiences into bridges that connect us with others in meaningful ways.
Your journey might look different from mine, but the principle remains the same: when we use what we love to serve others, we find a happiness that transcends our personal circumstances. We discover that our darkest chapters can become the light that guides others forward. And in that discovery, we find not just healing, but a profound sense of purpose that makes every step of our difficult journey worthwhile.